Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
