Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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