Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
