Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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