your parents love me but you hate me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
