Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
