Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize