I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
