You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
