dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
