It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize