Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
