You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
