new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize