if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
