I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
