The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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