my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
