sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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