Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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