I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize