please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
