I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
