Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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