it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
