I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
