I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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