can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
