I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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