i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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