Yo dont text me then not text me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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