you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
