DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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