like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
