Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
