I'm lost and stupid without you.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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