girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
