FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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