Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You left your phone here
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