You don't have asthma, your pregnant
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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