I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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