he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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