Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
