So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
