She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
