Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I did not marry a roomba.
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