The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
