my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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