I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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