There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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