I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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