you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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