apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
