On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize