I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
