Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
