The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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