every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Randomize
