I just cut my nipple shaving
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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