Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize