Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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