so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
