i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
