I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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