Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize