i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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