Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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