the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
