i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
